Not for the faint hearted…

September 15, 2020 at 10:00 AM (Uncategorized)

Kids have a way of making you regret their existence. They can tell you something, in their innocence, and you spend the whole day weighing between running away and starting your life afresh or telling them that you shall never speak to them again. Apparently, am told by parenting specialists, that neither option is viable.

Flower, my youngest, had been acting up and refusing to finish her meals. I am a self confessed african mother. If you don’t clear your plate during one meal, you will begin the next meal by finishing your previous plate. She doesnt like that. I can see her tiny brains working themselves up…what nonsense is this really? Why can’t they just replant this food and we eat it next season. Also can’t they see am too small to finish a meal? And yet they are the grown ups!!!

On this particular day am leaving for the market. Since she did not finish her breakfast her nanny is politely telling her that she has to start with that bakshish. She rushes to me as I get to the gate and frantically shouts, mum can i tell you something. I say OK and please hurry up am getting late. Please tell auntie not to give me more food, I don’t want to be fatty fatty like you!

Oh my word!

You! You whom I graciously hosted in my stomach (I will let you believe it was flat before I went on a baby popping spree). Not forgetting that while hosting you inside me, I let you eat my food like the little parasite that you were for 9 good months. And now you think am fatty fatty?

How could I forget that you are the same tiny person that I forgave for attempted murder when you tried to kill me that fateful day as I brought you forth into this world!

Dear readers, let’s not forget that mere existence is out of my selflessness. I could just have closed by legs shut on the delivery day and you would have a head shaped like an ice cream truck! Or better still I would have opted for oral sex 9 months earlier… and your existence would be in a parallel world.

Before I forget, this is the same human whose sanity I cultivated by eating moringa leaves and taking despicable teas. In retrospect I could just have smoked weed the entire period and you probably would come out looking like a blood hungry hound!

And she dare call me fatty fatty. After less than 48 months of existence! Unbelievable! Awuoro!!! I refuse to board!!!

Thats the hand of the culprit that got me exercising! The culprit that got me walking 5kms like a mad woman!

I needed to do something and it needed to be done fast. Because, ladies and gentlemen we cant have this, now can we? So without much further ado I decided I shall take matters to my own hand (and hopefully not eat them too). I shall be walking home from work everyday. This way, I will lose some weight at some point and Little Miss Am-So-Slim can stop judging my thickness (Some circles actually believe my weight is optimal for a black african woman.

Day 1 I managed to do 1kilometer in 1 hour

Day 2 (3 days after day 1) I managed to do 1.9kilometers in 53 minutes.

Day 3 (almost 6 days after day 2) I did 5km in 1hour. That walk was no joke. First I was listening to a some music. The music stopped. Then I realised am walking the streets of Nairobi. I start getting paranoid. Never mind that I have nothing of value on my person. Its a slight paranoia that comes from the side of my brain that is lazy. So I can convince myself that this is a bad idea!

I get home on day 3 exhausted but happy and feeling accomplished. She looks at me and goes wow mummy you walked from work?

And triumphantly with a side eye I go like… Mmhm mummy needs to get in shape… I don’t want to be fatty fatty anymore…

Then she innocently goes… oooh now only your tummy will be fatty fatty….

Lawd!! HELP ME!!! Somebody hold me down please….

Have a lovely day…

Always

Lipstick Pennings