The human heart is a very underestimated organ.
It carries all the emotions from since we were as young as 3 years old. When we have a thought we invoke the heart to attach an emotion to it.When we are wronged we keep the emotion and the memory. Some people know what ‘letting go’ is. Some of us are not that lucky. We can let go of the person that wronged us but we don’t let go of the wrong. We carry all these things within us. We push them down and tell ourselves that they cannot come up again.
Interestingly with the right amount of resolve they stay put. Time also contributes to push them down. As time passes we get new experiences that we take down to the library and safely keep it ‘away’. In addition we lift burdens off of people and carry them ourselves. We look at the world and carry each and every thing that could be done better within us. We do all this knowing that the sun does not rise and set from our butt cracks, hence we owe it to the world to be happy and smily and bubbly without advertising our pain and burdens to the rest of the world that has bigger and heavier burdens. No one can ever guess the ugliness and rot that is in the recesses of the heart. Unkindness absorbed by a kind person does not suddenly become kindness while within them. It still is unkindness. The thing is all things carried have not changed form to something positive… they are ugly negative things.
And then one day, there is a riot. Something small, like a piece of cloth, a word evokes a memory , the memory evokes an emotion that was buried deep… and then everything starts falling apart. The case of the straw that broke the camels back.
The confidence is your Judas, it’s the first to leave. No apology and No explanation.Suddenly you start questioning yourself. You end up questing your very existence. Everything about and around you becomes a issue to be looked at. Things that never bothered you when they should have (Thats because you buried them deep) suddenly become very urgent like for instance why your father left you, why your mother is blind, why your people don’t like you, why you are the one who inherited some family disease, why some man you love wont love you back, why your boss has issues with you, why YOU are the constant.
Then you come to the conclusion that you are the problem. That you are not as beautiful as your mother made you believe, not as bright as your high school teacher claimed, that your eyes do not sparkle as your first love so emphatically told you and that you do not have the biggest rack in town as your friends so jealoyusly exclaim. Your self-esteem suddenly feels the need to obey the laws of gravity.
Once your confidence leaves, the first section of the library that opens is the section of your wrongs. All the bad things you did, or do. The people you have hurt. the bad things you said about others. It’s all REAL here, no excuses, no lies no nothing. You know you did and said all those things because you are a bad human being with a silent need to be accepeted in society. You know you have complacency, something you despise in the open. You know, you know, that you said all those negative things because you were trying to deflect your own inadequacies. The chickens come home to roost baby.
Next are all the things that you carry because you are human. Here if you are an unkind son of a bitch, the world might yet go easy on you. But if you had this soft heart that loved babies and kittens, the kind of heart that wants to change the world one person at a time, this is when tears will roll. All the pictures of children dying with hunger, the thoughts of people going through hell, those thoughts haunt you. it’s not because its your fault, but because you know that those people could easily have been you. You are no better than them. You did not do anything out of the ordinary to earn yourself the life you live now… and it eats you like you cannot believe it.
The part that most normal people start with, teh part everyone else loves for the wrong reason. The wrongs that have been done to you. While many people like this part because they do it everyday and it gives them a chance to demonify someone else while making themselves look like angels, this is not with you. This happens once and it happens in this process. ALl the time people wrong you , you take it easy and forgive. In the background however a whole fucking libary section is opened. These are the people who did bad things to you. The ones who said nasty things about you, the ones who mistreated your mother when you were a kid, the ones who chased you out of their houses, the ones who let you languish in hospital when they could have popped in to say hello, the ones who on a daily basis take away your faith in humanity. These people you carry within you, not because what they did was unforgivable, but because they did it to you. The question is why me? There must be something in me that calls for this kind of treatment. – Let me break you heart people, when ging through this process, when you are crumbling, the forwards and facebook pictures explaining that people who wrong you are jealous of you or they are sand paper hence smoothening you, or they see greatness in you, thats moot here. Here you are thinking about these loosers with a low self-esteem and no confidence…right after you have seen all the bad things you have ever done… trust me its a bad bad place to be. – At this juncture even global warming could be your fault…
All these things are out. Taunting you and in 3D. Staring you in the eye.
One day you are an ambitious woman with the resolve of a cat to live and the next you are an empty shell, full of self loathing and hatred.
It’s a dark path. That path drives itself. Once inside you have to decide whether you will come out whole or not or whether you will come out at all. It drives you deep. Deep into something no one can fathom. Deep into someone you have been carrying around all your life that you have never bothered to acknowledge. Deep into something that you fear… that fear is so real it touches you, no, no it envelopes you. Glares at you in the eye and dares you to move.
All manner of thoughts come to you. And none of those thoughts give you a solution that is positive. Because at that moment the part of you that is alive is the dark unreasonable part. The part that made you look like the strongest person. It comes out to fight your weak soul. The thoughts are as dark as CSI Miami…
And that’s when you need to reach out to someone…you are falling deep and you need to stretch your arm and reach out to someone. No everyone thinks fast enough to reach out to someone. It could be in the form of a threat, a cry, and SOS… Just reach out and grasp. Hold on to someone, someone who you can tell all this without caring what they will think. As you reach out to this person, you know that one of two things will happen, he/she will help or he/she will run. Whatever they chose to do, one thing is for sure they will NEVER look at you the same again. Nothing will be the same again. Unfortunately there is no criteria as to who you will choose, and even if it is there, the result is the same.
And then slowly you grasp on the clutches of life, the life that you know, the reason why you need to getout of the abyss, the reason why you need to get out of that hole and face your demons from within one by one. That is the only way. One by one…Face them you must… Maybe not in one month or one year or even a decade, but you Must accept they exist and accept they need to be faced. It is then and only then will you se your reason to live… Not everyone who goes through this gets to see the reason to live…
That abyss is to you like molting is to eagles, or moulting is to snakes… The common ground is that both the eagle and the human being in the abyss do not know what awaits them at the end of the process. They nust get through the process to know. Or they will die.
Molting reveals your weaknesses, lays it bare infront of you for you to appreciate your strength.
The most assured thing however is that once you get out of that abyss you will NEVER be the same again.
I know because I have lived it.
LipstickNotes
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