But who promised easy?

It’s been a while. I have been telling my editor that I’m not feeling too inspired. And I have been wondering why?

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I tried capturing that horizon but I was seated at unfavorable position… and oh well…

You see, inspiration is not a bolt of lightning or an actual light bulb coming on in your psyche. Or maybe it is for some of you… Inspiration for me is that feeling that this should not go unrecorded. For me, it comes deep down from my emotional state. I’m inspired, sadly, by the realization of imperfection.

I left the office early so I could pack and leave the house in time for my flight. And even though my house is less than a 20 minute drive to the airport, it has happened, not once or twice, that it takes more than 2 hours. I will not go into that, because I may have to use unsavory language to fully express myself.

Anyways, (but is this correct English or Swanglish?), I get to the airport way ahead of time. I decided to have a milkshake at Java (no, they are not paying me to mention them), and those huge ass samosas of theirs. You guy, that samosa can feed a multitude mehn! That samosa can erase all sins committed out of hunger. The samosa be so big it can alleviate hunger in my county.

I have close to an hour. So I decide to catch up on Biko Zulu. Goodness me, he has a way with words that cannot even be explained. One moment, he is taking you on a ride to paradise. The next, you are being driven through an abyss of your worst fears. Without any apologies. What-so-ever!!!!

As I read through his blog, it dawns on me that maybe my goodbyes were not enough. That if that was my last moment with the kids, then I did not say my goodbye like it was. The fear was so legit that I had tears streaming down my face! And in a public restaurant none the less.

I picked up my phone and called my first born.

“I just read one of Biko Zulu’s posts and it dawned on me that I may not have said proper goodbyes…” sniff… “And that I love you…”

“Mom, I love you too and you hugged me bye…” he replied.

Then I asked for my 5th born, who we will call Maasai.

Me: Baby, you know I love you?

Maasai: Yes…

Me: Be Goo…

Maasai: Mama, Flower (my last Born) is playing with dirt… Mamaa please tell her not to touch me with dirt…. (a squeal in the background, most likely from my 4th born) Flower!!! Bad manners…

So anyways, as I said my byes I asked each of them to love the other and Maasai says without flinching, “Yes, except Flower, she is not nice”.  And silently I ask God to keep me a few more years so that I see the day these two will love each other… completely.

After the call, I go back to Biko even though the phone’s been put on airplane mode. The takeoff is shaky and scary. Once airborne, I look out and it’s so cloudy it looks like we are flying through smoke. It dawns on me that technology is amazing because the pilot could see shit!!!! That’s when my inspiration kicks in.

In 2017, my life was as cloudy as it can get. Everything was cloudy. My career. My kids. My relationships. My bank account, oh wait… oh no that was not cloudy, it was just empty. 2017 was a hard year ladies and gentlemen. It took everything in me not to lose myself. I made a friend who, in their small ways, contributed to a healthier me. The best of it is that I got my baby back after years of trying. (Remind me to tell you her story sometime).

The good thing is that even with the bad times, I had a few happy things happening to me.

As I was pondering on my 2017, the plane was suddenly silent and peaceful. Once it gets calm, the clouds start looking beautiful. We are floating above them. It was like we were riding some white angelic waves. And in the horizon, the sun was retiring to wherever it goes when it’s done for the day… leaving behind its rich orange-ish horizon. And people of God, the sun set in Western Kenya, particularly Kisumu is outta this world.

Then it dawned on me. I mean I felt like I have been slapped by some knowledge… at the risk of sounding like a literal drama queen.

Even as I am still in the thick of things from leftovers of 2017, my orange-ish horizon awaits me.

It’s going to be lit. With all kinds, hues and flavors of orange. Because it only gets better from here. God will reward my efforts. Mainly because He is the one that presented them to me.

It will get cloudy from time to time. That is for sure. But I will float above those clouds, I shall subdue them… And in the end, I shall be rewarded by a beautiful horizon.

Nobody promised it will be easy!

But I do have a promise of it getting better.


Lipstick Notes


The Monster Under My Bed…

…Or Lurking in the closet.

I was never scared of this monster. Not even once was I afraid to look under the bed at night or check the closet in the dark. It could have been because I never thought it existed.

As a grown woman, I now know monsters really do exist and they are scary. Damn Straight Scary.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can’t ride you unless your back is bent. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

One such monster is one of change… Suddenly what you are used to or what you have known for a long time will have to be replaced or to be moulded into something different. Never mind that it could be positive or for the better ( as it is often said in hindsight) truth is, it is certainly unsettling not to know.

I am that woman today. Clouded by a myriad of uncertainities. The only constant thing around me is Change.

Internally I have grown some these last few months, I feel like a caterpilla. In the process of change. Which may be a good thing. Or Not. My own feelings are revolting against me; what I used to feel, I dont. Not any more.

But change comes from within. Once the need for change is registered in one’s brain, the whole universe agitates for that change. Surprisingly though, we are never prepared for what happens next.

I realise the prospect of change is not scary. The change itself is. The fact that the end result of change is displacement and sometimes more closer home the end result is, Indifference.

I am aware that I may be about to face my monster. Only thing is my monster doesn’t confine itself under kids beds or in their closets. This particular one is in full glare of the public. Lurking around me and daring me to run. Whispering my name and reminding me of the situation every single moment.

Lurking. Whispering. Always around us.

Waiting for the moment. The deciding Moment. The moment of acceptance.

It’s just waiting for the molt.

 Then you have to face the monster.

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.~ Confuscious





The Flipside…

Life may suck.
More often than not it does suck.

The best way to deal with sucky sucky life is to suck right back.

Go out with your head high, look at it straight in the eye and dare it to dish you any more bs it has in its store, because what you will do is climb on top of every shove and be a better person.

If its that sucky job, get so good at it that it becomes enjoyable.

If its your man/woman sleeping with another concentrate on being such a good person that soon a better person will come along and appreciate you. Pr they will realise how a big ass thats dishing it to his friend doesnt fill that vacuum.

If its that other man and woman who keeps calling you names be easy because their time will come. After all they are ugly inside so they want to project it on you. Sucky sucky lives. So keep smiling because their lives suck so much they not only want what you have they wish they were you.

When their time comes you will be well ahead you will just LOL at how bad it made you feel that they had the nerve to call you names.

If its that sucky friend who is just sucky, good riddance you dont need that bs anyway. Walk away.

While life mocks us, we humbly look at it and dare it some more and sooner than later it will find us too boring to be sucky sucky to.
After all we dont come out alive.
Whats the worst it can do? Suck some more?

And life goes on…

With Love,

With Love

Insanity or a Philosophy? Be The Judge

Use what talents you possess, the woods will be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.Henry van Dyke

I sit looking at the cursor blink… I want to write, I need to write… Only everything I wrote about today seemed predictable. So I tried to write anything but what I want to write about, anything else in this whole world… so here goes nothing…

As a kid I used to have so many theories, theories that maybe I should have tried to prove when I got older. You see I have always wanted to know, I question everything and try to explain everything… maybe that’s not right but it worked for me.

So the theories, there is one that I believe in to date, . It’s the theory that tries to explain déjà vu. Have you ever been in a scene that you know for a fact that you have been there before? The same people, the same story, the same settings, everything is the same?

Have you also been in a vivid dream, a dream that you are almost not so sure that it’s a dream anymore? But you just can’t get out? And then you make a mental note in the dream to remember the dream and analyze it. And then the next morning, you try so hard and you cannot remember…

So in my youth, I decided the two have something to do with each other. Sometimes when you are sure you have been there before then you most assuredly have been there before. It could have been in that dream. Or maybe we live in two parallel worlds, one is the world we know of, the world we are living in, the world I would assume you are reading this blog in because it’s the world I wrote it in and then there is the other world; the world of could have been and should have beens. The world that explains the alternate outcomes of the various actions we take.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.  -Ambrose Bierce

Am sure you think am kuku? How does déjà vu come in you ask? How? Here is how, when in all possible worlds the outcome is the same then the worlds meet and you are sure you have lived that moment again, because you have and the results are the same and that my people is my theory that seeks to explain déjà vu.

What am I on about?

Anything else in the whole world, anything else in the whole freaking world and I choose to try and explain déjà vu?



 Life is a tragedy for those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. -Horace Walpole

The Molt…

The human heart is a very underestimated organ.

It carries all the emotions from since we were as young as 3 years old. When we have a thought  we invoke the heart to attach an emotion to it.When we are wronged we keep the emotion and the memory. Some people know what ‘letting go’ is. Some of us are not that lucky. We can let go of the person that wronged us but we don’t let go of the wrong.  We carry all these things within us. We push them down and tell ourselves that they cannot come up again.

Interestingly with the right amount of resolve they stay put. Time also contributes to push them down. As time passes we get new experiences that we take down to the library and safely keep it ‘away’. In addition we lift burdens off of people and carry them ourselves. We look at the world and carry each and every thing that could be done better within us.  We do all this knowing that the sun does not rise and set from our butt cracks, hence we owe it to the world to be happy and smily and bubbly without advertising our pain and burdens to the rest of the world that has bigger and heavier burdens. No one can ever guess the ugliness and rot that is in the recesses of the heart. Unkindness absorbed by a kind person does not suddenly become kindness while within them. It still is unkindness. The thing is all things carried have not changed form to something positive… they are ugly negative things.

And then one day, there is a riot. Something small, like a piece of cloth, a word evokes a memory , the memory evokes an emotion that was buried deep… and then everything starts falling apart. The case of the straw that broke the camels back.

The confidence is your Judas, it’s the first to leave. No apology and No explanation.Suddenly you start questioning yourself. You end up questing your very existence. Everything about and around you becomes a issue to be looked at. Things that never bothered you when they should have (Thats because you buried them deep) suddenly become very urgent like for instance why your father left you, why your mother is blind, why your people don’t like you, why you are the one who inherited some family disease, why some man you love wont love you back, why your boss has issues with you, why YOU are the constant.

Then you come to the conclusion that  you are the problem. That you are not as beautiful as your mother made you believe,  not as bright as your high school teacher claimed, that your eyes do not sparkle as your first love so emphatically told you and that you do not have the biggest rack in town as your friends so jealoyusly exclaim. Your self-esteem suddenly feels the need to obey the laws of gravity.

Once your confidence leaves, the first section of the library that opens is the section of your wrongs. All the bad things you did, or do. The people you have hurt. the bad things you said about others.  It’s all REAL here, no excuses, no lies no nothing. You know you did and said all those things because you are a bad human being with a silent need to be accepeted in society. You know you have complacency, something you despise in the open. You know, you know, that you said all those negative things because you were trying to deflect your own inadequacies. The chickens come home to roost baby.

Next are all the things that you carry because you are human. Here if you are an unkind son of a bitch, the world might yet go easy on you. But if you had this soft heart that loved babies and kittens, the kind of heart that wants to change the world one person at a time, this is when tears will roll. All the pictures of children dying with hunger, the thoughts of people going through hell, those thoughts haunt you. it’s not because its your fault, but because you know that those people could easily have been you. You are no better than them. You did not do anything out of the ordinary to earn yourself the life you live now… and it eats you like you cannot believe it.

The part that most normal people start with, teh part everyone else loves for the wrong reason. The wrongs that have been done to you. While many people like this part because they do it everyday and it gives them a chance to demonify someone else while making themselves look like angels, this is not with you. This happens once and it happens in this process. ALl the time people wrong you , you take it easy and forgive. In the background however a whole fucking libary section is opened. These are the people who did bad things to you. The ones who said nasty things about you, the ones who mistreated your mother when you were a kid, the ones who chased you out of their houses, the ones who let you languish in hospital when they could have popped in to say hello, the ones who on a daily basis take away your faith in humanity. These people you carry within you, not because  what they did was unforgivable, but because they did it to you. The question is why me? There must be something in me that calls for this kind of treatment. – Let me break you heart people, when ging through this process, when you are crumbling, the forwards and facebook pictures explaining that people who wrong you are jealous of you or they are sand paper hence smoothening you, or they see greatness in you, thats moot here. Here you are thinking about these loosers with a low self-esteem and no confidence…right after you have seen all the bad things you have ever done… trust me its a bad bad place to be. – At this juncture even global warming could be your fault…

All these things are out. Taunting you and in 3D. Staring you in the eye.

One day you are an ambitious woman with the resolve of a cat to live and the next you are an empty shell, full of self loathing and hatred.

It’s a dark path. That path drives itself. Once inside you have to decide whether you will come out whole or not or whether you will come out at all. It drives you deep. Deep into something no one can fathom. Deep into someone you have been carrying around all your life that you have never bothered to acknowledge. Deep into something that you fear… that fear is so real it touches you, no, no it envelopes you. Glares at you in the eye and dares you to move.

All manner of thoughts come to you. And none of those thoughts give you a solution that is positive. Because at that moment the part of you that is alive is the dark unreasonable part. The part that made you look like the strongest person. It comes out to fight your weak soul. The thoughts are as dark as  CSI Miami…

And that’s when you need to reach out to someone…you are falling deep and you need to stretch your arm and reach out to someone. No everyone thinks fast enough to reach out to someone. It could be in the form of a threat, a cry, and SOS… Just reach out and grasp. Hold on to someone, someone who you can tell all this without caring what they will think. As you reach out to this person, you know that one of two things will happen, he/she will help or he/she will run. Whatever they chose to do,  one thing is for sure they will NEVER look at you the same again. Nothing will be the same again. Unfortunately there is no criteria as to who you will choose, and even if it is there, the result is the same.

And then slowly you grasp on the clutches of life, the life that you know, the reason why you need to getout of  the abyss, the reason why you need to get out of that hole and face your demons from within one by one. That is the only way. One by one…Face them you must… Maybe not in one month or one year or even a decade, but you Must accept they exist and accept they need to be faced. It is then and only then will you se your reason to live… Not everyone who goes through this gets to see the reason to live…

That abyss is to you like molting is to eagles, or moulting is to snakes… The common ground  is that both the eagle and the human being in the abyss do not know what awaits them at the end of the process. They nust get through the process to know. Or they will die.

Molting reveals your weaknesses, lays it bare infront of you for you to appreciate your strength.

The most assured thing however is that once you get out of that abyss you will NEVER be the same again.

I know because I have lived it.


The price some will pay for greatness.

I have come to the conclusion that not all of us will end up in marriage, happy or otherwise.

I have also realized that not all of us were made for conventional relationships as depicted by the society.

Its the blunt truth. And that truth might be difficult for even the most reasonable person. However it is a truth that needs to be realized and embraced. The sooner we realize that about ourselves the better we will be.

It is then and only then that you will spend the energy you would otherwise use (waste) on relationships on other things and aspects of your life that you actually thrive in.

Like everything else I also know that there is a provision for trial and error or how else will one know they actually belong to this group of individuals?

There is also a provision for unions that are based on pure lust and meaningless canal desires.

Some Women are not meant to be happy, they are meant for greatness.

One day most of you will remember these words and when that day comes, please sure to give me credit on them…


The Reverse Bitch Dependency Syndrome

Tom Dubois: Uh, what’s going on, guys?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Mr. Dubois, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback, sir, and this is an intervention.
Tom Dubois: An intervention?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from Chronic Bitch Dependency, Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?
Tom Dubois: Is this some kind of joke?
A Pimp Named Slickback: Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and, scary enough, even your money. It’s a disease, Tom

~“The Boondocks: Tom, Sarah and Usher (#2.2)” (2007)

The whole reason man exists to date is his ability to commune with others. All men (loosely meaning human beings) need companionship. And that’s where the family unit came in because a man and a woman decide they can handle each other’s bullshit [take it back, most times they do not decide, they assume]. They always think that what is broken now can be fixed at a late date once the union has been registered by the state. Wrong move I tell you.

When a man is anything over twenty the man is a fully grown ass man. All the habits he currently possesses, has taken him a little over 17 years to polish. They say human beings remember stuff from when they are 3 years old. So a 20 year old man has a memory of 17 years. Do the math darling…

Women there is little change you can institute on the man, if any. Hence if this man mistreats you he will only stop mistreating you when he gets too tired to do it. When a man tells you get out, don’t take it for a joke, the man wants you out there is no discussion that can change his mind, he might appear bought but honey, no… he just has no other choice. If the man does not care about you, he will not start giving two shits just because you bore him a baby. The baby is his blood relative not you!

There are women who define themselves by their spouses. They cannot be independent in any way (and am not talking matters financial here). They see their beauty, their capabilities and most sadly their happiness only through their spouses. They beat up their self esteem subconsciously, and reduce themselves to nothingness just to fit in their spouse’s perception.

They do not define themselves as able to function independently; they have to be in supportive relationships to be able to manage their lives. They would jump from one man to the next without giving themselves time to heal. It is in this accord that they will allow mistreatment, they will make compromises that make no sense and finally they will take in all the bullshit they can.

Sometimes people snap from The Reverse Bitch Dependency Syndrome (TRBDS) also known as Dependency Personality Disorder – by the way it is a real psychological disorder. Most times a little too late.

Diagnose yourself…do you have the TRBDS? Common symptoms for a very minor case are;

  1. Making Excuses for our spouse’s misbehavior
  2. Allowing yourself to be someone’s punch bag
  3. Ability to jump from man to another (forming ‘serious’ relationships)
  4. Not being able to think of your life without the man
  5. Comfort zones – Explicit or otherwise.

So, yes, the Bitch Dependency Syndrome is real. And it attacks women too, mostly. He only way one can get out of it is to face themselves. When you accept that you have a problem you naturally tend to find ways of solving it.

When you keep making excuses for your problem then you will keep suffering from The Reverse Bitch Dependency Syndrome.

You Heard Right, IN LOVE, Yes I do mean In Love…

Yesterday, I fell in Love.

I fell completely in love with Andrew Garfield as he portrayed Peter Parker in The Amazing Spiderman.

Oh yes people I finally got to watch The Amazing Spiderman. On 3D. Boy was I exhilarated!

The picture is of amazing quality :-), the storyline is generic as is with all superhero films. But I liked the little twists here and there.  I picked up a few lessons from The Amazing Spiderman;

  1. The evil you do returns to you and the good you do stays with you
  2. It takes the same amount of energy to do good and to do bad, but the results of doing good are way better than doing bad
  3. When you choose not to do something corrective about a bad situation you form part of the problem and are responsible for any outcomes from the bad situation. Directly.
  4. You should not rest until you get to what you know as the bottom of the matter.
  5. Do not cow from defending what you deem as right.
  6. Get other perspectives as well and aim to improve.
  7. When you adorn in a mask appreciate that there are situations that may call for you to remove that mask. And you must oblige.

Now about being in love, whenever I watch a movie or a series (and this is often) I end up falling hopelessly in love with the main protagonist and in some cases the antagonist. What is?

I have fallen in love with many a Hollywood stars that it seems almost wrong. Funny enough I never fell in love with Leonardo Di Caprio, I fell in love with his character in Titanic though… and have cried al the 13 times I have watched Titanic

Ian Somerholder goes quite high up my list of ‘stars am in love with’. Every time I see him (on TV) I go gugu gaga. Unbelievable I tell you. It could be his deep blue eyes, or his look of arrogance, or his character in Vampire Diaries or whatever…  God really took his time on creating his mans appeal.

But the one star that I have inexplicably been in love with for a long time, with no reason whatsoever (OK who am I Kidding, his skin tone first, then his look of masculinity and everything he represents …Oh God) is none other than…Idris Elba. If I was a young woman with an empty head my facebook profile would probably read Mrs. Idris Elba. He is all that and a packet of M&Ms.

The trick about my being in love with these people is this, I DON’T WANNA KNOW JACK ABOUT THEIR REAL PERSONAL LIVES.

Escapism hunh? Or maybe just being selective on what to know about who I fall in love with.

I am well aware of the fact that I have been using the phrase ‘in love’ rather than ‘love’ and you guys think I probably mean the latter…well no! I mean the former…

I do fall hopelessly and blindly in love with these people 🙂


RIP JB… You will be missed…

Shelby at 4 months in June ’08

Oh My has it been too long or what?

I really apologize for being an absentee blogger but life got the better of me.

I keep seeing interesting things that have to come straight into my blog…however i cannot keep track and having the memory of a drunken fool i forget immediately after the fact.

I think i should walk around with a notepad where in which I will record everything as and when it happens.

RIP JB Hope they treating you well. JB in his hey days June ’08

So since the last time we talked a lot has happened. I lost my cat. Remember the cat I mentioned as having numerous sexual partners and not staying put? He disappeared. I could not imagine the pain… I spent a whole morning looking around for him… it was not exciting.

Then a neighbor casually tells me, “well I think JB died”. I felt a big knot form in my throat. Did not know whether to cry or scream or just call out his name till he responds.

That day (and night) I was only too sad.

Meanwhile a very interesting thing has been happening. Earlier on the cat who begot Shelby and JB was mum’s.  My neighbor had mentioned she wanted a cat so in her third liter I took a kitten and gave it to my neighbor.

She named him Knife. So Knife and Shelby have always been friends. Recently especially since JB’s disappearance they seem to hang around each other quite often. Knife comes knocking for her and Shelby parades herself in the company of Knife. They walk and run and play together.

We are still debating as to whether or not they know they are family and if they are incestuous lovers.

this is my closure…

I loved you JB but God clearly needed a stubborn pet more…

Being grown up is a con…

You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing. What! Is it nothing to be happy? Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long? Never in his life will he be so busy again.
~Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762


It’s been raining in my town. Real rain. Liters and liters of water from the heavens. As a child I used to love the sound of rain as it fell hard on our iron sheets roof. I would wake up early in the morning and go out of the bedroom under the guise of filling water containers with rain water.

I was a very naughty, little girl – I have used the word little very loosely…I was not by any chance little. So despite my respiratory challenges I would still find a chance to dance in the rain. Really dance in the rain. I would risk being thoroughly beaten by my mother, or being in a sick-bed or an asthma attack to just dance in the rain. How amazing was that?

The rain would fall hard on the iron sheets and will go through a collection channel into a drum that was strategically placed to collect rain water… I would move the water drum/ water basin and soak myself completely in that stream of water.

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic: it is as if creation rose luminously out of the night, all new and fresh and astonishing. Childhood is over the moment things are no longer astonishing. When the world gives you a feeling of “déjà vu,” when you are used to existence, you become an adult.
~EUGENE IONESCO, Present Past / Past Present


My Momma will then come out and threaten to end my life, or take me back where I came from(Dont ask me, I still wonder where that is and if it really crossed her mind that I would soon learn the gory details of how she got me. eeeewwww!) or an even worse fate if I do not go back to the house and keep warm : – ). You would understand that this is fairly common in Africa and no one, absolutely no one, has failed to thank their mothers for these threats. Even in silence.

This would be repeated everyday for the course of the rainy season.

So today I was leaving the house for work, and while I was trying to reach the car I was rained on. I shook all the way to work and when I got to the office I was rained on as I ran from the car to the door. Again I have been shaking ever since. My breathing is not as regular and am scared to go out in the rain again…

What Happened?

I guess when it comes down to it
Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up
These are the best days of our lives
The only thing that matters is just following your heart
And eventually you’ll finally get it right.
~The Ataris


I will gladly tell you what happened. A very sad thing happened and it’s called change. Some may call it growing up so I will humor them.

I grew up and by growing up I lost the abandon necessary to fuel my youth. I lost the carelessness necessary to help me realize my happiness and I lost me. I lost my person. I lost the ability to look beyond the threats and the boulders along the way into my goal that is happiness. Instead I become fixated on the boulders, on the threats, on the barriers and never even once look at what I desire the most. Happiness.

As adults we keep thinking, “If I try to get ABCD I might be stung by EFGH”. Instead we should be thinking like children, “I might get stung by EFGH but I will have gotten ABCD”.

So I will challenge myself that come Saturday, and it’s still raining, I will go to the beach and dance in the rain. I will play with the water and finally at the end of it all I will go home get warm under covers with a big mug of hot chocolate.

Then, only then, will I smile that smile of satisfaction.

That one that’s says, Wonder if I will get sick now that I already played with rain water…


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